scenario "what?"

Some communicational psychotherapy analysis:

This is a scenario that I found rather interesting as it seems to capture the subtle nuances of the way people interact and how they affect each other. 

In summary:

Speaker 1: "I went to the store today."

Speaker 2, somewhat inaudibly: "What?" Sounds possibly like "Why?" to Speaker 1.

Speaker 1 needs clarification: "What?" quite clearly. (Speaker 1 has been conditioned not to repeat the word that is thought is heard as that has been said to be annoying and frustrating).

Speaker 2 pauses, looks at Speaker 1, and repeats their: "What" close to the way a capitalized "WHAT" might sound like, as if it is the fault of Speaker 1 for not hearing.

Speaker 1 is upset that Speaker 2 uses a tone that sounds frustrated. He/she is in turn frustrated and additionally saddened that this simple communication set cannot go smoothly.

Once Speaker 1 has been taken aback by the reaction of Speaker 2 in repeating his/her "what," he/she causes Speaker 2 to feel as though he/she is being criticized. Speaker 2 remarks that he/she wasn't frustrated at all and becomes quite upset about feeling criticized and tells Speaker 1 that they need to change.

How can this situation be resolved?

...

recap

-every town needs a cleaners. doesn't it?
-is that fly dead on my head?
-one dreadlock hanging down where it's not supposed to be.
-there's the hole i really don't want to twist my ankle in that, watch for that hole.
-i could do laundry, the laundry could be so easy to do, would be nice to get it done. could make me feel good. i will do it. turn the light on. no. i really don't feel like doing it right now! i will do it when i feel like doing it. turn the light off. yes, this is how it's good.
-i have no time to poop this morning.
-i have no time to poop because i have given in to the other needs and desires in my life. the others. and because i am on a tight schedule. a schedule with other people counting on me.
-his sweatshirt has one of those wolf and moon scenes. he is wearing white two-large-strap velcro tennis shoes.
-his laugh sounded like a turkey. just for that second.

there's still hope

sometimes thoughts like these make me start to feel gross and frustrated, albeit very good that this isn't necessary:

does anyone else experience this?

but a few months ago, on a walk, these were found just off the path a little ways down a hill under leaves, pressed into the dirt with a corner exposed, next to really old tin buckets:

cool old bottles filled with dirt and dry remnants of what might be some sort of elixir? or substance? the white smells of sulfur. the metal screw-cap was so rusty and falling apart into crumbles.

note: i don't think "the city" is entirely bad. the city is actually very good, for many reasons.

reality

i kind of feel like speaking about some frustrations. recently, i've been not wanting to "vent" because i don't feel like...i wrote cycling the negativity at first...but i think i'm really just scared to be negative because i'm afraid it might make me unhappy or i'll be unable to get out of being negative or...yeah, it will cause a ripple effect on other things, like not being able to enjoy the things that i usually enjoy, all by being negative. i'm sure there is a plethora of other reasons why "being negative" is something that my brain swishswashes and struggles with and i end up feeling not like myself and hating myself and feeling confused. until i accept my negativity and then i see the light and i feel positive again. (problem solved). but i AM also afraid that by speaking to people in my direct vicinty, or cycling the negativity (good kirsten, that was good, fine) that it will spread to them, and i'll never be able to forget it because i'll know that they know and then i'll be thinking about them knowing and...then it will be harder to forget. but over the past week, i think i'm starting to realize that how things are, are just changed by timepassing and there's nothing you can do to have things stay the same. well, you can, but events happen in reality that cause for a thinkingperson's emotional state to be altered. and once the emotions are altered...where do they go?

so, many things happen.

teacher has a fixed theory that some students form a clique. not altogether untrue, but, there was no malicious intention--they simply enjoyed complaining to eachother a lot. i was not a fan because it was too much complaining. about dumb stuff that didn't really matter. but now, i feel like i want to complain more because things are effecting me more. and i guess that's why i'm writing this because it feels strange to have what i was once pretty positive about, to have it be hard to deal with now and wanting to complain, but not wanting to, because i don't want to "get sucked in." confusing. there are many dynamics to this. won't explain all. or any. too hard.

anyway, i just don't like when people talk "at" you instead of "to" you. there's a difference. i also don't like when people don't consider what your activities were or what you might have been doing or thinking prior to telling you things. i also don't like when people don't leave the possibility for self-directioning or discovery, i.e. always telling you what to do, especially very obvious basic things, not even thinking that you may have been doing it right all along but just telling you the right way to do it. maybe this is all in the way these things are said. i like to leave people room to discover things for themselves. and then they find ways that work for them, while also enjoying the time.

--
i don't know about any hard and fast rules for being negative. when someone needs to talk, they need to talk. sometimes the person "being negative" just needs to be understood. there is no "insistence," just a natural feeling of talking to someone, and until feeling understood, the need to "insist" (which is a negative term to describe the situation) perhaps may not be "insistence" but rather the desire to connect. both parties hopefully have an awareness of the "complaining" or even simply the speaking of one's thoughts that's going on, and the listener can do his or her best to imagine the person's trouble and maybe indicate a sense of understanding (ha, that would indeed be nice), and the speaker can hopefully feel this sense of understanding, they can understand together, and the speaker can then stop speaking. ha, those sound like hard and fast rules. but really, imparting understanding without criticizing for length of time or insistence. come on. the faster the understanding, the quicker the end of complaining. maybe. hopefully. just having this mindset--i am opposed to negativity--it's like it creates this "ideal" of what isn't really real. and then real, genuine emotions=surpressed and no common understanding or genuine connection. hmm, maybe.

ok, bye.

i like unperfectly formed sentences and uncuteness

i don't care what is right or wrong or true or false, i'm kind of tired of living under constant thought-clouds of what might considered good or bad. i kind of just like honest reactions and no formulations. anyway, what is that. thoughtthoughtthought. have a good time. don't be annoying. don't know it all. anyone, anyone. don't wanna be nice. don't wanna be mean. too much to do. maybe i'm unhappy. maybe one day i'm going to go crazy. (really). just want to sit together and not talk and know together that you're sitting together and not talking. and it doesn't matter. but then talk, talk whenever you feel like it. ehhh. maybe a fuse has gone loose. don't you worry? don't worry about the recession. anyways, be boring. i like boring. maybe i'll be embarrassed. ass of embarr. ummm, this is a funny mood. it's making my forearms tingle. i think because i've not been a free agent for the past week. walkwalkwalk. dododo. do do go, man! i've probably terrified you all. but seriously, maybe i'm bored. with a lot to do.

-fruits need lots of calcium in the soil. leaf mulch is good for this, especially oak leaves.
-cabbage holds for a long time in the cooler.
-watch out for cabbage loopers and moths
-paint a mix of cow manure, finely ground silica, and something else, clay i think....on fruit trees to help with fertility and protection from pests...
-people are talking loudly, over one another right now
-no punchlines
-punchline
-plantain weed- bee stings. pick a leaf, chew it for a second to release juices and put on sting.
-johnny jump-ups-slightly spearminty, edible
-wormwood-digestion
-dog's. something--dog's mercury.-anti-bacterial
-black thorn
-mother of thousands

-phosphorous deficiency=purple turning cauliflower

-boron deficiency=hollow stems

-lace-wing moths=beneficial. eat other problematic bugs.

-fruits/perennials can get diseasy and then/so need to move around

-downey mildew=different from powdery mildew. downey is more fluffy and spotty(?). caused by cold, wet. powdery caused by hot, humid

-once summerleaf lettuce starts to point in middle, ready to go

-dill heads=use for pickling

-tip-off basil flowers and first top leaves

-comfrey and nettle tea. ferment for 2 weeks in barrel with or without water. without=need spicketed barrel to catch concentrate. with=already diluted, needs some air to get to it while fermenting but bugs will get in. comfrey=lots of potassium. nettle=water qualities, good for drought. 20:1 ratio, 20 water to 1 plant--

-foliar spray, stomata on underside of leaves, open in morning. spray foliar sprays in morning...for fungal issues spray at evening when earth breathing in to keep fungi down in soil.

-chervil-one of hardest herbs to get fresh...?

-10 more years of oil left on earth...........

-net energy yield of ethanol is quite low for the input...input 1:2 output

-solar= input 1:1,000 output

-dandelion!

-betain-accessory mineral. beets, fish, legumes. liver-cleansing. works with another compound to export toxins from body.

-beneficial wasps love umble flowers. will lay eggs on other bugs...

-mugwort=tall purple'ish flower stalks, fuzzy grey'ish green leaves.

-beets planted 2-3 per cell. 3 rows in 4' bed at 6" in-row spacing.

-romaine lettuce-3 rows, 4' bed, 12" in-row.

energyless and phone calls to make, feeling like posting some pictures, feeling alright

"hello, folded mattress and stuff," ive been saying in my head for the past 4 months

sober (but not solemn) farm house evening

this view reminded me of a rococo painting. maybe, if i have my rococo right.

blahg

blahblahblahblah

nice calendar.

i like blizzards. i think they are fun and exciting. i don't like the idea or very great possibility of slipping off of a road. but i like driving slow and careful. this i don't mind. if i was experiencing this, i may be worried about dying, but i wouldn't be unhappy. craig drove us in a blizzard on saturday night. it was all of the above plus stress. i am glad craig and i are alive though because i love him and i want to be alive with him.

since being at school, i've been introduced to a publication called Stella Natura. google that sh*t if you want. !!!(i don't know why that phrase came into my mind...i think because while i was typing the first sentence i felt like i was sounding very scholarly and thus it made me think of the antithesis of scholarly. anyway, i really don't like when swearing is used unconsciously and prolifically on a very unwarranted basis. or when quoting other things. just for the record i suppose. i think it's really annoying. i think i am susceptible to being annoyed due to some current conditions. im working on that though.) anyways, the main reason for all of this are the little virtues of the month in the Stella Natura. it's a calendar and other things too. i've been wanting to post this since February but i was sitting on the little gem of wisdom it offered, noticing it. I'm doing the opposite of February's right now. but it's still really nice and applies. all the time i think.

February 2009

Virtue of the Month: discretion becomes meditative strength

Its Opposite: comment, criticism

March 2009

Virtue of the Month: magnanimity becomes love

Its Opposite: pettiness, narrowness

April 2009

Virtue of the Month: devotion becomes the force of sacrifice

Its Opposite: no concern, spring fever

mind travel

mind activity is really weird. people are alive and have the possibility of thinking every second of the day. and our minds can keep talking and talking. and what do they do? what are we telling ourselves? are we thinking the same things all the time? how often does our mind break patterns or do we think new stuff?

rudolf steiner

some pictures old and new

these are from a walk i took today. it was really nice because our morning meeting session was kind of cut short and became "individual project time." i don't have a very easy time just switching modes to do a completely different kind of work, in this case anyway- from what we were doing for the morning meeting session to my project which is something i really have to think about. and i really needed a break from being student robot. and i was really tired which made it harder to switch modes. i actually went back to bed first. it was so great. it's funny because Hugo was telling us last week at dinner that "project time" for last year's students he noticed always turned into what he acted out- head back and snoring. at the time of him telling this story though i didn't know if he actually said "project time" or "party time." it's pretty funny because i think it might become slightly true again.

can kinda see the rolling Wisconsin hills

i think these were some deer bones-the little half of

its hoof dangled on the hinge like it's supposed to.

not from today

change

i'm living in a new place. i am attending class-like things and my day is filled from 8:00am to 8:00pm on average. there are a lot more details about that and many other things happening in my brain. so far, i do think it's what i've been needing. changes are strange. but this was necessary and i feel like i'm growing. but at the same time my brain can flip-flop and wonder what that "growing" thing really means. like it just did. i don't really know what's good for me, except for that when i say things like that i'm undermining myself and i need to stop doing that. i think i know. i mean i do know. sorry this is slightly cryptic and it's making me feel nervous (i'm making myself) so i need to relax and know that i know. i'm not sure what changes are going to happen in the future and that kind of freaks me out. katie is making pizza for me right now. we have assigned one person to each day to make dinner for everyone plus the next day's lunch. it's really nice. and kind of fun to be able to put all your energy into thinking about and making one, what i hope to be (and have had a nightmare about it not being), really good meal. i feel slightly like i'm floating through each day. this is a door i walk in and out of every day:

small thought(s)

there are a lot of sensitive people.

seems like there are more insensitive ones.

maybe that was insensitive of me.

sensitive people need sensitive people.

sensitive people might be shy.

insensitives might be shy too. they just might not know it.

shyness seems like it has to be overuled by unshyness.

or maybe sensitive people might just be quieter.

quieter seems like it has to be overuled by louder.

louder usually means more.

but loud doesn't always mean unsensitive.

or does it?

sensitive and more seems like a good combination.

because it seems like sensitives can balance the more.

just might. might just.

this is late, but the person who sees this will get it

i saw this a day or two after i saw your post and a couple days later i remembered to bring my camera with me

instinct dichotomy

regarding our way of living: stationary stability vs. wandering mobility

lately i've been reading about hunter-gatherers and agriculture.

so there's a human instinct to roam, wander, search. embedded in our dna (actually i don't know if that's true-if it's embedded, like it's still there, or if it's in the distant past and is completely gone. or if by it being in the past-thousands of years ago-if it has any influence on us today...seems like it is-the need to get out and seek things out...) is the way of living that is of roaming, wandering and searching.

then there is the stationary, stable, secure instinct. agriculture made stability possible-abundance that is. where there were reliable returning populations of salmon, hunter-gatherers stayed, without the agriculture part. so somewhere that has been a part of us too-evolution accepted. 10,000 years ago i think was when agriculture began. i guess i should add here the question, is agricultural history the reason for our desire for stability? or did it come before then? what if we all hated stability and it was much more natural to always be moving around and traveling, owning only bare necessities, carrying one bag, constantly being in different places...weird. wack. (ali g).

i guess we can have them both today. but when do we do each one? based on our instinctual desire? how do we know when to listen to this desire? what if either one isn't that strong? but something is felt? what about others in our lives and connecting(?) ours with theirs? i should feel lucky. this question is kind of nagging at me though.

thoughts

tighten the reins of your mind, we're going for a ride (adventure?)

exposed disturbances

cold chicago twilight, a couple days ago

South end of Lake Michigan

more like a week or two ago...needed to get out so i went for a walk. on the way, an older gentleman in passing along the sidewalk, dressed in a warm hat and a nice coat with a veterans pin on the lapel, was carrying a clipboard and some papers. he stopped me and handed me a stapled packet of what read on the front- poetry. he said, "help out for the homeless...?" slightly confused because he didn't look homeless, i took my purse from my side and started unzipping it, saying simultaneously, "ohh, i don't have any cash with me. i'm so sorry." to which he replied, "ah, you can buy me something with your card," motioning down the street to any numerous amounts of places that i had no idea which one he was referring to. an image of me walking into a store with him, paying at the cashier and feeling incredibly awkward flashed in my head. i responded, "ah, i'm so sorry, this is not a financially prosperous time for me right now." and he said, "that's ok, love you babe."

i always walk away feeling so terrible and confused after these moments; these moments meaning they definitely happen semi-frequently, usually without the love you babe's though. i know "feeling awkward" doesn't have to be and it would just be a state of mind that i could change. but one time in the past i did some such thing and i wound up later in the evening feeling like all the other people in the store witnessing what i was doing thought i was parading in all uppity believing myself to be some sort of saint or something. i felt sort of embarrassed so i kinda decided not to do that again. but i want to help so badly. then i remember how i don't have a job and no income. i can't be giving away what i have. then of course, helping thy neighbor as thyself and giving what you can is the base voice that i believe is true. so i was thinking, what can i do? i came up with finding an organization that helps the homeless and contributing somehow through a legit source. then i wouldn't feel like i'm being ripped off or have to go through awkward situations. and later i added that i'll make little business cards with help resources for the homeless for whatever area i'm living in and keep a few in my purse.

Welp

I guess tonight's gonna be the night I start a blog. I've done this in the past, and I already have a place where I write things and let people on the internet read them. But I think this'll be fun and nice. We'll see. It might drive me crazy and insane. But there are some changes coming up that I want to document so this'll kind of be for that. It seems that "blogging" is a nice way to get all of the things one's mind goes in circles, and limbs and figure 8's about, out. It also seems kinda narcissistic, but I say forget that. It might help me learn new words. It'll be nice. And perhaps therapeutic. Ayight. Here we go. No expectations, and hello to all of you. photo courtesy of: town&countrymag